Talk Like a Pirate?

Ahoy, Avast, Aye, Arrr...

So - I have been praying, reading the Bible, and reflecting on the calendar of special events and holidays left in 2012 - sermon planning. 


International Talk Like a Pirate Day is on Wednesday, September 19, 2012.  Ahoy, avast, aye and arrr — Shiver me timbers! (Now won't this make an interesting prayer meeting?) Did not find this holiday on the religious calendar - go figure.

If you’re not familiar with this international holiday, you’ve obviously been spending too much time doing good and important things. But if you are in the habit of wasting time surfing the Internet, looking for odd and amusing items, then maybe you have stumbled across this silly excuse for a holiday. It’s a day devoted to talking like a pirate. Why?  I suppose...because it’s funny?  Because you can. Just be careful not to go too far and call a close friend a “scurvy bilge rat.”  Might not be amused.

Talk Like a Pirate Day was invented by a couple of guys — no surprise there. They picked September 19 because it was not cluttered up with Christmas or the Super Bowl or any other important event. For years, the two of them celebrated the day in private, just talking like pirates to each other, but then humorist Dave Barry caught word of the holiday and wrote a column about it.  Dave Barry ended up inviting all of his readers to join the movement and celebrate the holiday. 

What do you think? On September 19, we'll not answer the church phone with “Hello." Instead, “Ahoy, me hearty!”  If the congregant protests, we will reply that they are not  "hearty," and  call them a scurvy dog who will soon be walking the plank and ending up in Davy Jones’ locker. (That's pirate talk for the 'bad place' - He_ _ - well, you know.)  See what fun you can have?

Talk Like a Pirate Day has now moved around the world, being picked up by radio stations from Cleveland, Ohio, to Sydney, Australia. According to the official Web site (www.talklikeapirate.com), it has become popular on college campuses, and a set of guidelines has been created for celebrating the day in the workplace. (Nice!)  For instance, when you dress for the office, pick outfits with a lot of red and black, and don’t be afraid to accessorize with shiny metallic accents — maybe even a good skull and crossbones. (This could be risky for me - really - of course I would probably go as a Christian Pirate and leave off the skull and bones but leave the cross.)

If you are tired of your boring first name, put an adjective or descriptive phrase in front of it. If you have always been say "B" or "M", for example, on September 19 you can be Bloody Red "B" or Mad Dog "M." Try this at job interviews. You’ll get results!

Given that Talk Like a Pirate Day is just a few months away and the Bible book of  James talks about taming the tongue.  I am leaning toward a sermon on that - maybe even a whole series.  

 “Look at ships,” says James, sounding like a salty sea dog; “though they are so large that it takes strong winds to drive them, yet they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits” (James 3:4-5). Makes me want to say “Aye!”

The tongue is a small but powerful instrument, able to have an effect that is every bit as influential as the rudder on a pirate ship. Think of the power of words you have heard, or that you have spoken, over the course of your life.

Example of a 'Bilge Rat"

James knows the devastating power of words, which is why he says, “How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire” (3:5-6). He knows that the tongue can be used to discourage, derail, dismay, deceive and destroy the precious children of God, and he describes it as “a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (3:8).

The challenge for me is to "Talk Like a Christian", not "Talk Like a Pirate." This means that I do not use my big mouth  to “bless the Lord and Father” one minute, and then “curse those who are made in the likeness of God” the next (3:9).  It is not appropriate to offer up enthusiastic praise to God on Sunday, and then call my neighbor a stinking bilge rat on Monday.

So what does it mean for us to Talk Like a Christian — not just on one day in September, but throughout the year? It’s really very easy to talk like a pirate, since all you need to do is pepper your speech with “Ahoy!” “Avast!” “Aye!” and “Arrr!” But faithful Christian speech requires more than the proper vocabulary, more than a specialized knowledge of grog, hornpipes, timbers and yardarms.

To talk like a Christian, we need to speak to other people with a full awareness that they are created in God’s image. This means that we see them not as scurvy bilge rats, but as men and women who are created in the image and likeness of God, breathed into being with the very breath of God himself (Genesis 1:26; 2:7). There is a holiness built into each human being, a sacredness that comes straight from their Creator, and we miss an important aspect of their existence when we overlook this quality.

“From the same mouth come blessing and cursing,” he says, with deep regret. “My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so” (3:10). Better for us to keep our mouths shut than to pollute the creative word of God with a destructive word of gossip or unfair criticism. (Just went from blogger to preacher.)

When we talk like a Christian, we speak in a way that is in line with the teachings of Jesus, the One who is the Word of God in human form. This is an enormous challenge for us, because Jesus takes speech seriously, and he issues numerous warnings about the consequences of our language. For Jesus, words are never cheap — and they always pack a punch.

“You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder.’” No surprise there. But then Jesus says, “But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment … and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire” (Matthew 5:21-22). (OUCH!) 

He warns us against using empty phrases in our prayers (6:7), tells us not to judge others (7:1), and wraps everything up in the command to “do to others as you would have them do to you” (7:12). For Jesus, words are every bit as important as actions, because he knows that they have the power to build up or break down.

Talking is more than chit-chat, according to Jesus. It’s a matter of life and death, with words of love and forgiveness having a radically different impact than words of hate and condemnation. 

We have a few months to decide if  we are going to celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day.  You can make your own decision about whether to Talk Like a Pirate.  Maybe I'll preach like a pirate.  Now there's a plan.  It’s all in good fun, it’s a way to feel bold and daring, and it really won’t affect you — unless you slip up and call your wife or deacon chair a scalawag.

But if you Talk Like a Christian, you’ll be setting sail with Jesus on a most amazing adventure.  And - be pretty salty - that's another blog for another week. Will you join me?  

Hornswaggle, Belay, Parley, Shiver me timbers! I can't wait!

Tide, Tidilick, and Tundra

Would you drive through this?  By faith I mean.

"Stupid is as stupid does" - wisdom from Forest Gump's mom.  Stupidity is demonstrated by our actions.  This past week I used all of my advanced education and decided to make the plunge.  Yep - taking Molly's Tundra for a swim.  The water looked shallow enough.  Besides, it was a Tundra - a big truck - all of the other vehicles turning around to find another way were sissies.  No faith.  When the tide from the swollen creek engulfed the Tundra and began sweeping me into the trees I had a weird flashback. (My mind often does this - so don't worry too much or maybe you should.)

Noah you know but Tidilick the Giant Frog? Both got wet, according to ancient stories of cataclysmic floods.  A few years ago I had the opportunity to be "on mission" in Australia. In aboriginal mythology, Tidilick the Giant Frog is said to have drained every drop of water in the Outback. His friends, the kangaroos, grew thirsty, as you might expect they would, but they didn't know what to do.  Finally, one smart kangaroo thought to tickle Tidilick. When the frog laughed, his water broke, as it were, creating an enormous flood that washed everyone out of their homes. It was a wet, wild day.  It's just a story. It never really happened. A giant frog? Naah. But a giant flood? Absolutely.


They are people whose minds are as large as the floods they seek to understand. They are the ones who see what others don't see. They look where others don't look. They think thoughts others don't dare to ponder. They are people who take risks, who think, and plan, then act. They are persistent, counterintuitive, revolutionary people. Their successful work speaks for itself.  (Risk Takers! I am reaching here - attempting to justify and rationalize my stupidity - grant me grace.)  So what sort of ancient man builds a boat at the command of a God he cannot see? And what sort of God asks him to do it? The words "eccentric" and "patient" come to mind. The man's building a boat, the first of its kind, on dry land, in anticipation of a natural phenomenon that had never occurred before; moreover, he's cooped up in cramped quarters with his wife and family, not to speak of a boat load of animals, for 40 days and 40 nights.

That aside, the Scripture records that he was a faithful man, so much so that he's listed in the Bible's Who's Who of Faith Heroes in Hebrews 11, because he trusted God, pouring his time, efforts and resources into a project that even to Bob Vila would've looked crazy and stupid. Did Noah have doubts? Probably. Did he sometimes question himself? Likely. Wouldn't you? But faith, a lamp in the darkness of unbelief, gave him enough light to carry on.

Noah was a risk-taker, a man who wagered his reputation, his wealth and all that he had on an idea - the idea that it is healthier to listen to what God says, than not to listen. Noah's character was strong enough to endure ridicule, tongue-clucking, name-calling and derision. He must have had high tolerance for public embarrassment. (I can relate - can you? If you are a married man you can.)

Noah was a righteous man, living in an unrighteous time, yet he was able to make good choices, instead of succumbing to the wicked ideas of his day. It is always hard to be righteous and countercultural. It is as difficult now as it was then to choose God, and to stick with God, no matter what.

Noah was a persistent man. Mrs. Noah might have called him stubborn. How much work does it take to build a huge ark without power tools or a lumber mill when you are 600 years young? How many years, how much effort, how much wealth, did it take to build that thing in his back yard? It is obvious Noah was persistent. He didn't give up. He stuck to it. He never quit. Finally, he was a man who "walked with God," 6:9. He knew the companionship and fellowship of God, and when you have that in your life, you can put up with just about anything else.

When it was all over and when the sky had cleared, and the seas calmed, then came God's promise to us - that there'll be no Tidilick regurgitating flood waters to drown the earth ever again.  Instead, God put his promise in the sky for all to see, for all to remember that promise, and to remember Noah and what character traits it takes to be a woman or man of faith.  

Tundra survives the tide in spite of my stupidity
and - so did I

When my life flashed before my eyes in last week's deluge - God gave me a "rainbow" and I hit land before I hit the tree line near the creek.  Giant faith?  Probably not.  Grace?  Mercy?  Luck?  Maybe.  But this I do know - never again will I risk being one that would need rescue by helicopter, grappling hook (or body bag). When all was said and done I reaffirmed: Giant Faith matters.  Not Giant Frogs.  And that I need to love God with all my MIND and beware of the tide.  And, yes, I am still married. :)

"Christy"

Today I will have the honor of speaking to a group of people I sense are hungry for a word from God.  I will stand before them in the words of Fred Craddock "as one without much authority."  A "mantra" of mine is that I always attempt to allow the scripture to interpret me more than I interpret it.  My subject?  Nothing other than a donkey.

The animal in the passion story can teach us a lot, because she is the creature who carries Christ.  And that's what it's all about.  Carrying Christ into the world.  The donkey was a "Christ-bearer," or a Christopher (derived from the Greek Christos combined with pherein "to bear or carry").  Everyday is an opportunity to take the name Christopher (Christophera, feminine - as the Bible calls "her a 'her'") as our own.  Or "Christy" as I call her.  By doing so, we commit to bearing Christ to the world.

What does that mean to me?  Being "Christy" means: being a servant, carrying a burden, humbly serving without caring who gets the glory, following Christ's direction; being willing to go where He wants to go, not where I want to go; not getting spooked by crowds, the noise, the attention.  It means taking Christ into enemy territory, never asking Christ to "get off my back," being willing to shed the "hero" image people wanted to pin to Jesus.  It means being obedient to the will of the One who holds the reins.  As I carry Christ into the world, I am challenged to do a particular kind of work and show a distinctively Christian lifestyle.  This means letting love be genuine and holding fast to what is good.  It involves rejoicing in hope, being patient in suffering, and persevering in prayer.  To live this way means I am going to contribute to the needs of God's people, extend hospitality to strangers, and even bless those who persecute me.

I am not sure I can pull this off.  But if I can -  I have a hunch that I will discover the joy that comes from carrying Christ.  I will know the glory of hearing hosannas, the thrill of close contact with Jesus, the excitement of accepting a challenge and deep satisfaction of knowing that I am walking in the way of God.  There is no better role I could be asked to perform.

Please note that this role and journey is against the flow of the world.  Little girls don't dream of riding across summer fields on a donkey.  The Kentucky Derby doesn't blow the herald horn for a herd of dinky donkeys to race around a track.  And everyone from Shakespeare to Pinocchio knows that fools and dolts are depicted as donkeys.  Of course the donkey's other common name says it all: the donkey is just an....well, you know what that word is.  And remember - donkey's feel safest and most secure when they can clearly see where the edge is, where the danger lies.  What unnerves this donkey is knowing an edge is near, but not being able to see it and so gauge the best path to take.  This as I nimbly traipse down the canyon along the very edge of the precipice...knowing my Passenger holds the reigns.

Great Mustaches

"Image," for a pastor, is largely appearance.  Appearance has its limits of acceptability.  As a pastor I am forever locked into some of its accommodations.  My daughters presented me with a "Great Mustaches" T-Shirt on my recent birthday.  I have only to grow one of them (or maybe pierce an ear) and I could test just how important appearance is to my new congregation - and for my tenure.  My late mother-in-law hated t-shirts.  I will never forget her reaction to the youth camp t-shirt that had "Go to Hell" on the front and "Or Heaven, it's your choice," on the back.  Youth loved it - Younda and the camp director labeled it "vulgar," (even "unchristian").  I am probably better off without a mustache - besides it would probably look more like a "molestache" (coined by my daughters - "a creepy man's mustache").  Maybe I will try wearing blue jeans in the pulpit like one of those Mega-church pastors do.  Probably not - I will probably just continue to wear suits until summer - then an oxford button down...just like Jesus wants.

I have a good friend who is considered a radical among his ministerial peers.  He is big on dying for Jesus.  He doesn't seem to worry much about his image.  He wears a t-shirt and jeans - and even wears his mustache in the pulpit.   We have confessed and shared our "visions" and "calls." The remarkable thing about him is that even with a mustache and jeans he seems to be able to funnel the wide interests of his congregation into narrow channels.  When a river narrows into a white water channel it becomes a force to be reckoned with - capable of moving a great deal of water very rapidly through a narrow canyon.  His vision has little to do with his image or accomplishments - and probably not his mustache.

Vision nags at me, as it should.  The Bible says that "where vision is lacking people die." - Whoa!  So vision must be more than buildings and budgets.  I confess I have had many "visionary" stopovers that in the end were, in reality, an acquisition that fostered my image - that were more about me and my accomplishments than God's Kingdom.

So what's the point?  I don't want that to happen here at my new stopover.  I am determined not to be fooled by stopovers of any kind that keep me from the real destiny God gave me.  I am praying that image builders will not block me from my arrival at a completed vision.  In the Bible Paul never completed his vision - in this way his vision was larger than his life.  My significance isn't about image or accomplishments but maybe, just maybe, about vision.  I took a good look at myself  in the mirror  today- stared myself down - not going to grow a mustache; however, I am going settle on a vision, what I can do and my image will be authentic.  If I  pursue my image I may miss my vision altogether - even with great mustache.  But - you can count on me wearing my Great Mustache T-Shirt soon - maybe even in the pulpit...in jeans - stay tuned!